Hard Lessons

Life has many twists and turns, ups and downs and sometimes, the most challenging 'roller coaster' ride you could ever experience. Through those times, my heart has felt, my eyes have observed, my ears have listened and my realization has struck home. In this world, there is no one willing to aide, assist, care for or rescue any struggling individual very often in life.
Much of my life, I have given love, offered financial support, rescued some when they were sinking and taken college kids to the grocery store to put food in their kitchens. Due to my childhood and the many experiences throughout the years, I became a very caring woman. Many times I offered kindness and love to Aunts and Uncles...helping with health care issues or escape from threatening situations.
Those things came from the heart...for, there is no other place from which it boasts. There are no regrets over any of the things I have done in the past, the love I've shared, the care I've shown; however, as I've grown older (and wiser) it has become so very clear that, regardless of the good deeds from days gone by, everyone in this world is in this world for SELF.
The past year has been excessively challenging and, at times, cruel for me. I've gone through experiences I never thought or imagined would cross my life. Following divorce, failing in the financial department and having the threat of possibly being without a comfortable intern assignment....my future appeared bleak last August.
I panicked, as do many people. My first instinct was FLIGHT. Instantly, I was going to walk away from my home and search for a different way to 'make it.' No, I've never missed a house or car payment in my entire life nor have I ever made those payments late. My parents instilled strong character traits within my soul and they have guided me throughout life.
When I realized the challenge that confronted me, I reached out...call it desperation...call it frantic reaction....call it fear of living 62 years and becoming an instant failure statistic.
After all, having a 'giving' heart all of my life and having done many things for many people, I suppose I expected someone to ride in on a big, white, shining stallion and issue the call..."I'm here to save you ... I will help you move beyond this chasm!" Ha! Who was I kidding?
My inner self wanted to believe, that as a single woman who had (I thought) been an important piece of a great family 'line'...someone would toss me a line, even if it was short and temporary. Funny, how we see life from our inner perspective. Suddenly, I realized as I heard relatives say, "Oh, Pat, I'm so sorry...I can't believe this is happening to you..." followed with their deafening silence which transmitted, 'but you're on your own. I hope it gets better, and we love you so much, but, keep swimming and working to get out of this hole."
During the past months, I have come to the stark realization that (especially as a single person with no children)...you only have two feet to carry you and if/when you stumble, crawl, if you must, but everyone will be watching and cheering. Nah, they're not coming to offer help, they just want to LOVE YOU. Words are cheap in life. Actions share the true meaning of those we know and care for.
My past months have reminded me of my years in high school. I had a car. The others didn't. My car was full every time it left the parking lot. Hey, stylin'...besties...NOT. After graduation, I began to hear of weddings of those I thought were my friends. Not only was I not invited to participate in those weddings, I was not even invited to those weddings. That, was a very rude awakening.
One day, at the mailbox, I hesitated as I read the return address on an envelope. When I opened the envelope, I found a hundred dollar check ... over the next two months, I received two more of those miraculous gifts. Just enough to keep me going until my next retirement check 'hit' the account. To me, that was a tremendous gift and vote of confidence in my ability to survive.
For others...I guess I became a new 'threat' on the horizon. Single, divorced, struggling, why did she even tell us...and more. I've fought my battle, and, for some reason, won one more time. Remembering the 'fire' in my mother and the things she dealt with after the death of daddy, she was a survivor...I could be as well.
As one final brick was shot at head level (home owners insurance), a very dear, best friend saved my life. She was my 'safety net'...the only one I've been privy to in my entire life. And, I understood what a really best friend was/is. Yes, I had gone and sat in the waiting room months ago as she underwent breast cancer surgery. I've done that for family all the years of my life. That's just been me.
Dealing with issues beyond divorce, disappointment, lap band issues, financial crisis and all...once again, this 'ol Texas girl has been tested to the core. My stark realization in today's world is very simple -- you are completely on your own. I can't help but wonder why. Perhaps that's why I've never been blessed with excessive money. My heart would allow me to 'rescue' those in need. But, then, I reflect on those who do have money and are well set in life...that's why they have money! They earned it, they protect it, they keep it...but, hey, they will always say 'We love you..hang in there'! Wow, better than nothing, but sure leaves an imprint on one's mind and soul.
As of tomorrow, I stand on my two feet again. As for the future, I know there is no one in life who is willing to bend, stretch or offer that saving hand from the quicksand. Life lessons are difficult at best, damaging in some ways but with each new 'notch' in my 'life belt' I understand I'd best be sharp, practical and cautious. Has it changed me somewhat? Yes, it has. Has it caused me to step a distance back from the front edge of everything? Yes, it has. Has it been a painful, private journey...definitely.
I am grateful for those who shared three hundred dollars in the 'hard time of the Fall of '10'. I'm thankful for one best friend who considered me 'worth the risk' in giving me the means to maintain my home. It's been a learning curve steeped in vewy scawy thangs! For now, though, I've made it one more time!
No one can change the minds of others, but perhaps we can share thoughts that will somehow broaden understanding and compassion. I hope that everyone makes it in this trying 'time' of recession/depression/whatever...and, I hope that I would still be willing to help another if the call came to me. However, I can't guarantee that today.
Honestly, if I could go back and start anew...I would become a lawyer! Ask those who know me...my mind is at work continuously, I'm always full of curiosity and I would have made a mark in the world as a lawyer. Also, I would have had a 'real income' rather than struggling as an educator!
Bottom line, make money, keep it selfishly and smile as you 'close the door.' Who was it that said, 'leave 'em laughin'...
It's been interesting. It's been lonely. It's been successful for me...that's all that counts!